Surviving Life
by The Guild of Zeros
Summary: Bella finds something out about Edward that even he wasn't sure of. Will Edward realize his true feelings before its too late?


Bella was licking at a vanilla ice cream cone slowly, trying to grab the attention of a certain vampire, as they walked through the mall.

"Edwaaaaarrrddd!" she whined when she gave up on getting his attention.

"huh what?"

"Well I wanted to talk to you about something..."

"Okay then what?"

"Well.." she flipped her brown hair over her shoulder and pouted.

"I wanted to talk about Jacob.."

"Oh not this again I thought I said-"

"Edward I saw you and Jacob fucking in your car about a week ago"

"What? are you serious? First of all I love you. Second I am not gay. Third I would never be involved with a flea bitten-"

Bella slapped him across the face which didn't hurt with her puny human strength, but he was silenced as he saw the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Edward, aren't I enough for you?"

"of course you are"

"then why? why do this to me?"

"i-" Bella kissed him and held him close.

"I still love you Edward even if you don't love me" Tears poured onto the melted ice cream and she let it drop from her hand and walked away.

"aw fuck" Edward yelled making a small baby siting on the bench near to him cry, its blond hair falling in its brown eyes as it cried, Edward kicked it across the road to shut it up, then it got hit by a passing semi which smooshed it's head like a rotten pumpkin.

The mother ran out and screamed but Edward grabbed a fork and impaled her,  
so she shut up and gargled with the blood seeping through the wound.

Edward Cullen had indeed gone insane with the loss of Bella, and he intended to see where she got the insane idea from.

After driving around mindlessly for a few hours, he saw Jacob selling his body, outside of a starbucks downtown.

Jacob had no shirt on like most days and he winked at a 13 year old girl,  
who passed out at his 'sexiness' and then was raped by an old man violently.

"Jacob!!!!" Edward squealed.

"what the fuck do you want sparkle fairy?"

"don't call me that, and I want to know why Bella left me?"  
Edward tried to read Jacob's mind, But Jacob was only replaying Britney spears songs in his head, so Edward had to spend valuable time asking.

"ohhhhh well I guess its kinda, maybe, a little, possibly my fault"

"what???" Edward was pissed and didn't know what was going on.

"Well you see fagzilla, I kind of drugged an animal before you drank it's blood, cause I wanted some woof woof action then you drank it and passed out, and I raped you outside of Bella's house in your car.

"What what what????" He screeched in a high pitch voice that made Jacob's ears bleed.

"and thats not all..."

Edward had a look of horror on his face at these words.

"Jacob tell me what else you disgusting woofer"

"well... I am pregnant, the baby is due in a few days, since I am magical and what not"

"what am I supposed to do about that?"

"your the father you sparkly nunchuck! you have to pay child support! You have to get me through this! I am selling myself on the street so I can pay for this baby!"

Jacob then proceeded to cry and punch Edward repeatedly in the face.

Edward looked at Jacobs showing abs, he saw Jacob was indeed pregnant.

"fuck" Edward knew he was in deep shit now.

"Edward I don't want this baby to be a bastard child, will you please be my wife?"

"what the fuck??? you are the one who is pregnant. I didn't want this, I love Bella you insane Animal Porn!"

"if you marry me I will give you a TACO okay???"

Edward's eyes sparkled at the thought of a TACO, he secretly loved TACOS so much more then Bella or anything else, the TACOS had human bloods in them and tasted like ASS TACOS.

"MMMMHHMMM Jacob TACOS" Edward said in a drugged out voice.

Jacob looked at Edward like he was crazy and rolled his eyes.

Edward then carried Jacob while he ran to Vegas and they got married. Edward wore a pink frilly wedding gown with pink and red roses all over the trim.  
Jacob wore nothing at all except a red G-string.

Edward and Jacob then went back to Forks and Edward went back home.

"yo peoples" Edward Exclaimed as he went inside his home.

Carlisle then approached the door.

"Edward, I heard from Jacob you got him pregnant and you got married?"

"it wasn't by choice" Edward read his mind and knew what was gonna happen next.

Carlisle ripped his clothes off to reveal a black leather thong and collar, complete with nipple clamps and various kind of Dildos stuck in his body, The Rick Roll song played as Multicolored disco lights lit up the house, A box of condoms, lube, handcuffs, Dildos and other bondage toys was revealed, as Carlisle humped a stripper pole newly put up and licked it.

Then Alice, Rosalie and Esme jumped into Edward and Jacobs view in police uniforms, with big fake beards, whips and strap on Dildos, they then proceeded to whip Edward as he cried out in pain, they then stabbed out their own eyes with Dildos, then they sang along with the song and danced like the hos they were, as they violently whipped Edward's ass calling him a naughty girl .

"what the hell? I didn't know this was going to happen" Edward whined.

Then Jasper and Emmett came downstairs. Jasper was wearing a black gimp suit and a pink pimp hat with granny glasses.  
Emmett was wearing a pink tutu that was about 20 sizes to small for him, and you could easily see his junk from inside the pink fabric.

Everyone then Ripped Edward's clothes off revealing his small weenie.

"nooo please stop, you guys are my family-"

Alice laughed "Edward your such a sparkly Pussy"

They then proceeded to gang rape Edward while Jacob laughed from the doorway.  
then Jacob began to cry as realization hit.

"OMG like the baby is like totally coming like now OMG!!"

"stop raping me so I can take him to the hospitable!" Edward screeched in a girly voice

After a few minnutes Edward was weak and covered in cum from being raped and used in violent sexual play by his adoptive vampire Family Edward was crying as he tried to cover his abused, bloody and cum covered body.

Jacob laughed at him despite the fact he was in labor.

"now someone please help me get this baby out now that your done raping him."

Jacob then went into his ugly wolf form without realizing.

Edward screeched like a 7 year old girl when he saw Jacob get even uglier.

All of a sudden a sexy chick with short black hair and red eyes in a red dress popped up, and sliced open Jacob's stomach with a blood coated samurai sword. Then a sexy guy with black hair in a pony tail, used a cello case to whack Jacob's head off. The chick laughed nervously as she looked at Jacob's dead human form.

"I guess it was too ugly to be a chiropteran eh heh heh my bad"

They then left and Jacob lie dead on the cum covered floor.

Bella came at the last Minnute "oh my Jesus biscuits! Jacob!"

She cried and held his dead bloody mangled body, Edward was shocked and instead of crying over Jacob, he grabbed the crying baby from his stomach, ripped it from the corpse and held it in his arms, he saw by its small purple wiener it was a boy.

"its okay baby, I will name you... Mama Luigi"

He looked at the small baby to see that it looked like a really fat Obama with Byakugan and a green afro.

"so cute" he said as he nuzzled the little baby which made a demonic gurgling sound.

"goodbye Jacob, I will care for this precious being for you."

-------- year later ---------

Edward sighed "well I am just not a good parent, I am always giving my child cookies, spending time with it, reading it stories, playing with it, making it feel loved...

I want to be a great mother like you are"

Rosa smiled "I will teach you how to be a great parent like I am"

Edward then threw a condom at her and blinded her in one eye "oopsies"

Mama Luigi was playing on his PSP when Edward grabbed it and threw it on the ground, smashing the 250 dollar piece of equipment.

He then proceeded to slap his child, until the child grew the size of a large building, then kicked his hairy ass while he screamed like a pussy, then Mama Luigi ran away before he got sparkly Aids.

Not even a Vampire could survive the brutal raping the fangirls did to Edward afterward...

Bella ran naked up to Edward's dead body that was being brutally fucked by ugly and lonely teenage girls, she then joined in on the necro rape.

She smiled like a rapist should "thats all folks!" 


End file.
